Love is our natural state and true nature. As children we live in the “Field of Love,” not as a concept, as our way of being. Slowly, we begin to receive the message that it is not OK for us to Be Love. We share our Love innocently and someone explores in anger. We don’t understand what happened, we might even run away and cry, but in a few minutes we are back Being Love and loving life.
As we grow older people tells us the world is a dangerous place. There are bad people. It is not good to talk to strangers. We gradually begin to feel Fear more often than Love. Our heart becomes guarded. We begin to hide our true face and try to fit into the fear-based world. The separation begins and we loose our joy, our playfulness, our natural way of being. We begin living only as a small part of who we are. We put on a mask and try to fit in.
Then one day we meet someone and “fall in love.” In that moment we remember who we are, we experience being whole, Being Love. The mistake we make is that we assume it is the other person’s Love that made us feel whole again, instead of recognizing that that we are Love, we are whole, that is who we have always been. We don’t realize that it is by giving Love unconditionally (i.e. without Fear), that we awaken and remember our true nature as Love.
For awhile we enjoy living in the “Field of Love” again. We enjoy having someone to share it Love with. We are once again like children in the garden. We are loving, joyful and innocent human beings. The mask comes off, we feel free to be who we truly are.
Gradually, people around us want us to define our feeling for the other. They want us to label our relationship, so they can put a check in a box by our name. With the labels come beliefs, ideas and responsibilities. Suddenly, expectations arise and with expectations come disappointments. We begin to notice things we want to change about our lover. We start to feel that they don’t like us the way we are and they want us to change. We don’t feel as happy as we used too. Due to the mistake at the beginning of the relationship that they had the power to create our happiness and make us feel loved, we now begin to blame them for our unhappiness and lack of feeling loved.
This is when the Fear begins to take over again. Can he/she make me happy? Am I making a mistake? Then the denial begins. “It is not really a problem that I want to go out on Saturday night to dance and he wants me to stay home and watch TV with him. I am sure I can change him.” We then begin living a lie. We get lost in our wants and desires and start trying the control the other instead of loving who they are.
We are now doomed to a life of struggle because we are no longer giving unconditional Love, instead we are living out of Fear. The Fear comes from a belief that I am not enough, expectations that I will be loved only if I perform in a certain way and the need to control the other, so I can feel safe. This is most people’s experience of romantic relationship. Until we are able to shift out of these patterns of Fear l we are going to keep repeating the same story.
In order to shift into a world based on Love we need to develop Self-Awareness and Self- Love. Self-Awareness is the ability to feel when the heart begins to close, to notice your need to control others so you feel safe, to be able to see when judgment arises, and to develop acceptance, compassion and equanimity. Self-Love comes from being able to see yourself, be honest with yourself and loving yourself, as you are, in each moment, even when you don’t necessarily like how you are behaving. You can only love another unconditionally, when you know how to love yourself unconditionally.
Self-awareness and self-love are life-long practices. As you begin to gain mastery in them it becomes easier to notice and express in the moment what you are experiencing. This helps you to be present and take full responsibility for the choices you make and the life you are creating. There is no blame others. You are able to recognize you are Love and it becomes easier to give Love unconditionally without the expectation of getting something in return. Then you begin to live a life based on Love instead of Fear.
(C) Copyright 2010, Crystal Dawn Morris, all rights reserved.
If this article interests you I recommend reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz