I woke up yesterday morning with a new insight about resistance as the cause of all suffering. This insight was not intellectual but visceral. As I emerged from sleep I felt “resistance” and suffering. Then I felt “surrender” and the reestablishment of flow. I have been acutely aware of my energy flow for the past few weeks. I have been watching when I open and surrender and when I contract and resist. I have been able to see how my choice to open or close effects my perception of life. Stress and distress are a direct effect of resisting what is happening. Surrender is just allowing what is to be as it is in this moment.
I have discovered that is usually my thoughts about past and future that create fear and cause contraction and resistance. When I am present I naturally relax and surrender to the moment. I feel I am one with the flow. I am learning to discern these two distinct ways of being. One is much more intellectual, thought driven and fear based. The other more present, relaxed and heart connected.
My edge right now is staying in my surrendered heart, no matter what is arising. I find this both exciting and at times scary. It is interesting to watch my mind which is quick to jump in and want to figure things out and take control of the situation. When this happens I bring myself back to the present moment and check in with my heart. The choice is flow or control. In the past I have often been more comfortable choosing control. This choice goes back to my childhood when I learned not to rely on others but to trust myself. Now I am reeducating my heart and learning to trust the flow of the universe to support me in each moment by surrendering my need to know and to control.
Last night I had the opportunity to practice surrender while a man held space for me. I wanted to see just how opened and relaxed I could be. We went through a communication and each shared our desires, fears and boundaries. My desire was to allow him to guide me and to surrender as much as possible. His desire was to guide me through a particular practice. It was a delight for me (who is usually the teacher) to relax and be guided. I felt strongly held by his presence and that supported me in opening fully. I also became aware that when I surrender the light within me shines more brightly and that is a gift for him. I could feel my aliveness expanding as light, as love.
I feel very blessed in my life right now to be practicing and deepening my understanding of David Deida’s work. He talks about surrender on page 77 of Intimate Communion, Awakening Your Sexual Essence. At the same time I am deepening my understanding of Gangaji’s self inquiry work and her book The Diamond in Your Pocket. Together they are taking me to a new level of presence and awareness.