Practicing the Art of Surrender

I woke up yesterday morning with a new insight about resistance as the cause of all suffering. This insight was not intellectual but visceral. As I emerged from sleep I felt “resistance” and suffering. Then I felt “surrender” and the reestablishment of flow. I have been acutely aware of my energy flow for the past few weeks. I have been watching when I open and surrender and when I contract and resist. I have been able to see how my choice to open or close effects my perception of life. Stress and distress are a direct effect of resisting what is happening. Surrender is just allowing what is to be as it is in this moment.

I have discovered that is usually my thoughts about past and future that create fear and cause contraction and resistance. When I am present I naturally relax and surrender to the moment. I feel I am one with the flow. I am learning to discern these two distinct ways of being. One is much more intellectual, thought driven and fear based. The other more present, relaxed and heart connected.

My edge right now is staying in my surrendered heart, no matter what is arising. I find this both exciting and at times scary. It is interesting to watch my mind which is quick to jump in and want to figure things out and take control of the situation. When this happens I bring myself back to the present moment and check in with my heart. The choice is flow or control. In the past I have often been more comfortable choosing control. This choice goes back to my childhood when I learned not to rely on others but to trust myself. Now I am reeducating my heart and learning to trust the flow of the universe to support me in each moment by surrendering my need to know and to control.

Last night I had the opportunity to practice surrender while a man held space for me. I wanted to see just how opened and relaxed I could be. We went through a communication and each shared our desires, fears and boundaries. My desire was to allow him to guide me and to surrender as much as possible. His desire was to guide me through a particular practice. It was a delight for me (who is usually the teacher) to relax and be guided. I felt strongly held by his presence and that supported me in opening fully. I also became aware that when I surrender the light within me shines more brightly and that is a gift for him. I could feel my aliveness expanding as light, as love.

I feel very blessed in my life right now to be practicing and deepening my understanding of David Deida’s work. He talks about surrender on page 77 of Intimate Communion, Awakening Your Sexual Essence. At the same time I am deepening my understanding of Gangaji’s self inquiry work and her book The Diamond in Your Pocket. Together they are taking me to a new level of presence and awareness.

Original art by A. Andrew Gonzalez
(C) Copyright 2009, Crystal Dawn Morris, all rights reserved.

Emptiness Blooms in the Heart- A Weekend with Gangaji, Jan. 10-11

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I read Gangaji’s book The Diamond in Your Pocket: discovering your true radiance. This book is a gold mine of wisdom. I found answers to questions I have been curious about for years. She speaks with such clarity about emptiness, which is not so easy to do. As I read the words, I began to notice a real shift in my consciousness. My ego seemed to be dissolving. (It is an interesting thing to watch, this letting go of me as a separate being.) I have had many experiences over the years of entering ecstatic states of bliss, oneness, unity consciousness and they were marvelous, but as Gangaji points out- they end. This process is different. I am not in an ecstatic state. Instead of an “I” being aware, there is awareness of Awareness, that which never changes. This is a shift into a new way of being.

After Christmas I went online to see if she had any workshops in the near future and, to my joy, she was scheduled in San Diego Jan.10-11. I signed up immediately. My time with her was delightful. Her presence has a translucent quality and I could feel the Truth flow from her as a gentle, penetrating light. On Saturday afternoon, as we meditated with her, I felt a bouquet of roses, the color of emptiness, blossom and open my heart. This was so visceral I could almost smell the love and freedom as they filled the room. The path of self- inquiry she shares is so direct and powerful. Awareness is so clear and pure. I see now that thoughts, feelings, and desires will continue to come and go and yet this Awareness is always here in each moment.

This morning, I awoke at 4 a.m. and there were negative thoughts, fears that I am not being productive enough, to-dos, and concerns about the future. (There has been a noticeable desire to be in the flow and not to do for the past several weeks.) I lay in bed and watched the thoughts. I stayed aware and still the thoughts came and went. My mind remained busy until about 6:30, when I dozed off. I got up at 7:30 a.m. and watched a Gangaji DVD. It helped to hear her speak of Awareness and the traps the mind sets. Awareness settled in again. What I am learning is to stay present and watch the mind to see the story and not get caught in it, to feel the emotions but not become them, allowing whatever is arising to be as it is- conscious of it all and yet knowing it is not me. It is a new way of being and seeing.

Questions arise, lots of questions and, as Gangaji so beautifully suggested, there is nothing to expect and who is there to expect it anyhow?” So I relax, stay present and allow Truth to be revealed.

“Life is the Guru kissing, slapping, confirming, denying. What does it mean to be true to who you are?” Gangaji