Safe Sex Script Makes Awkward Easy

chat-23713_1280This “script” is a good way to initiate a conversation about your sexual history and to ask someone else to share their sexual history with you.  Review your answers to the statements below. Practice saying them out loud in front of a mirror. Next, share this process with a friend or lover. Ideally, this is done prior to finding yourself in a sexually charged situation.

  1. “The last time I got tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s) was…”
  1. A. “The tests I had done were…”   B. “The results of those tests were…”

A Comprehensive STI Panel consists of: HIV, Syphilis (Rapid Plasma Reagin test), Oral Herpes (HSV-1), Genital Herpes (HSV-2), HPV, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C. Female testing usually includes a Pap Smear and wet mount to check for other common vaginal infections.

  1. “My sexual orientation is…” (Straight, Gay, Bi, Transgender, Fluid…)
  1. “My relationship status is…” (Single. Dating. Living with a lover. Married. In an open relationship with one or more persons. Fluid bonded with one or more persons.)
  1. “My current relationship agreements that you need to be aware of are…”
  1. “My safer sex practices and/or boundaries are…”  
  1. “I use___________ to prevent unwanted pregnancies.”
  1. Share any risky activities you may have experienced since you were last tested.
  1. Then ask the other person, “How about you?”Listen closely to what they say and how they say it…  Ask questions, if you need clarification.
  1. If, after you both have shared your sexual histories you decide to engage in sex, take time to discuss what sexual activities you are open to at this time and what is off the menu. Share you desires, fears and “healthy boundaries.” Healthy boundaries are what you need to feel safe and stay open; they are dynamic and can expand as well as contract. Intimacy grows when you stay present, are authentic and communicate clearly using “I” statements.

©2015 Crystal Dawn Morris, The Love and Freedom Coach, Tantra Teacher, ISTA Faculty

www.TantraForAwakening.org  928.862.0762  Crystal@tantraforawakening.org

The Safe Sex Talk and Sharing Your Sexual History

Sexual attraction is a fact of life. We meet that special someone and Bang! A powerful connection is made that leads an irresistible desire to have sex. It may be more common when you are young, single and feeling a bit impulsive, but it can happen to anyone, at any age.  We call it “sexual chemistry.” However, mixing chemicals can be dangerous if you lack information about how they will react when mixed together. Having unprotected sex with someone, without knowing their sexual history and is just as risky as mixing two unknown chemicals together. Sometimes the result maybe life threatening, sometimes a non-event and on rare occasions an amazing discovery is made.

Having the Safe Sex Talk

Sex is a healthy part of life and a powerful way to share love and intimacy. It is important to learn how to be clear and honest about your sexual history before engaging in sex. Unprotected sex can lead to infection, pregnancy, infertility, and life-threatening diseases.

  1. Know your own sexual history. Get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) regularly.
  2. Practice sharing your sexual history with a friend so you are comfortable talking about it.
  3. Get educated about STI’s- know their prevalence, risks, and treatments.
  4. Commit to discussing safer sex before engaging in any exchange of body fluids.
  5. Have the discussion in a neutral atmosphere, not as you are about to climb in bed together.
  6. Be prepared, carry condoms with you and know how to use them. Practice before hand.
  7. Know your bottom line. What risks are you NOT willing to take? Be ready to say NO!
  8. Pregnancy is also a risk of unprotected intercourse. Use birth control if you don’t want a baby.
  9. If you have taken risks in the past, don’t be afraid to get tested and treated.
  10. Love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries and honor them.

How to Begin

When you meet someone and feel that sexual chemistry is there be aware that you need to have the safer sex talk before you find yourself in a sexually charged situation. When the time feels right begin by acknowledging the attraction you feel. “Ever since we met I have been aware that I am very attracted to you sexually.” Find out if the feeling is mutual. There is no need to share your history with someone who has no desire to be sexual with you. If they are also interested in becoming sexually involved then tell them you would like to set aside a time to have a discussion about safer sex and to share your sexual histories with each other.

Getting Tested

Depending on how sexually active you have been, the last time you were tested and any risky behaviors you may have had since then, you may choose to go and get an STI exam and HIV test before you have the safer sex talk. This way you will have current information to share either before or shortly after your discussion. The testing can be done with your doctor’s office, at a public health center, or family planning clinic. STI’s tests may include: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea (the Clap), Syphilis, Candida (yeast infection), Hepatitis B, Herpes simplex 1 and 2, HIV, HPV (genital warts and cervical dysplasia), Crabs, and Trichomonis (trich). While you are there ask any questions you have and pick up information about birth control, STI’s and HIV.

Having the Talk

Meet in a private place when you won’t be disturbed. Make sure you have a couple of hours set aside so that you don’t have to stop in the middle. Turn off your cell phones. Bring your test results with you if you have them. One powerful way to begin is by each sharing your intention for this communication, any fears or concerns you have about this talk and any boundaries you need to express. A boundary is what you need to feel safe and stay open, it is not a wall, it is a bridge to help you stay present. A healthy boundary for this communication might be to agree that whatever is shared will remain confidential. Another type of boundary is, “I need to end by 10 pm.”

Then agree who will go first. Only one person should speak at a time. The other person listens quietly and only interrupts if they need to clarify a specific detail. When the first person is complete then switch roles. Topics to cover may include:

  • History of STI’s. Were they successfully treated? Last date tested.
  • HIV risks- IV drug use, unprotected anal sex, homosexual encounters, and unprotected sex with prostitutes. The results of your last HIV test results. Any risks since then?
  • History of risky behavior- unprotected sex or partners who had unprotected sex. IV drug use or partners who used IV drugs. Use of drugs and alcohol during or before sexual activity.
  • The number of sexual partners you have had. The risk of STI’s and HIV increases if you have unprotected sex with multiple partners.
  • History of rape, blood transfusions or other risks.
  • Agreeing to keep each other’s sexual history and test results confidential.

Sexual expression is important part of a healthy life-style and is wonderful way to share love and intimacy. This talk is the beginning of your relating on an intimate level with this person. Honesty is a great way to build respect and trust. Know that you are responsible for the choices you make. Only you can protect yourself. Don’t rely on someone else to protect you. Sex involves risk, as does all of life.  By practicing safer sex you are limiting the risks you are taking. You are making conscious choices and accepting the possible risks involved. The only 100% guarantee for avoiding the risk of STI’s and pregnancy is abstaining from sexual contact. I hope that this article supports you in having a healthy and enjoyable sex-life.

Copyright 2012 Crystal Dawn Morris

If you’d like to learn more about Conscious Sexuality and Tantra or want to attend Crystal’s events, please sign-up for her free monthly newsletter at: https://www.TantraforAwakening.com

Crystal Dawn Morris is a Certified Sky Dancing Tantra Teacher and the founder of Tantra for Awakening. She is committed to creating a more conscious and compassionate world. She offers Tantra workshops, Intimacy Coaching and Couples Retreats. She teaches a Tantra Teacher Certification program called The Art and Business of Teaching Tantra. She lives in Sedona, AZ where she practices yoga, writes and enjoys life. She loves to travel and is open to teaching and coaching in your community.

5 Keys to Eye Gazing for Soulful Sex

A Timeless Practice

The eyes are the “windows to the soul.” When we gaze deeply into the eyes of another person, we can see beyond their physical body and personality into their essence. The practice of eye gazing is an ancient practice found in both Hindu and Buddhist Tantra as well as in the Sufi tradition. This practice is considered to be a path to enlightenment. It is a wonderful way to connect at the soul level. It can to done with your beloved before and during sex.

Eye gazing is something you have probably done naturally, while gazing into the eyes of a newborn baby or when you first fell in love. Even when you are in a conversation and maintain eye contact, you are doing a less focused form of eye gazing. Eye gazing can be done as a one-on-one meditation with a friend or beloved. It can also be done solo by gazing into a mirror. You can integrate it into daily life by engaging people briefly, in passing, with the intent that when you meet their eyes you will see beyond their form, into their essence. Some of the benefits of this practice include: becoming more present, opening your heart and expanding your awareness of the Divine in all beings.

1) The Heart Salutation

You begin this practice by acknowledging the Divine in each other with a Heart Salutation. Sit across from your partner and look into their eyes. Maintaining eye contact throughout the rest of the process, begin by extending your arms towards the earth, palms together. Then, inhale and keeping your hands in prayer position, bring them to your heart. Exhale, as you bow forward and acknowledge the Divine in each other with the Sanskrit salutation “Namaste,” which means “I honor the Divine in you as a reflection of the Divine within me.” Inhale, as you straighten back up. Finally, exhale as you allow your hands to return to the starting position, pointed towards the earth.

2) The Bubble

Now, create a bubble around you and your partner. Do this by waving your arms around both of you defining the shape of the bubble that surrounds you. Then gesture, as if removing an object from your bubble and verbally say out loud what you are removing from the bubble. These are things that won’t serve you in this practice (the past, distractions, anger, worry, etc.) Next, gesture and state what things you want to bring into the bubble. These are things that will enhance your connection (love, willingness, presence, trust etc.) At this point, you may want to offer an appreciation or blessing to the other person (“I honor your heart, which gives so much love to the world.”) Creating the bubble helps to call you into present moment awareness and creates a safe space in which to practice the eye gazing meditation.

3) Share Your Desires, Fears and Boundaries

Once the bubble is created, share your intentions/desires, fears and boundaries related to this practice. First, one person speaks while the other person listens without judgment or commentary. Then you switch roles. Here is an example:

“I desire to stay present, open and connect deeply to your soul.”

“My fear is that I will get self-conscious and will start acting silly.”

“My boundary is to stay connected to you, even if resistance arises.”

Why boundaries? When I teach this practice in my classes, people often have resistance to setting boundaries. I explain that boundaries are not walls, they are bridges. Bridges help bring people together. Intimacy happens when people have “healthy” boundaries. Healthy boundaries allow you to feel safe, stay open and be present. Boundaries are dynamic, so it is important to check-in periodically with yourself to see if your boundaries have changed. If they have changed, update your partner so they can honor your new boundaries. Here are a few examples:

“I need to end this practice by noon.”

“I don’t want to be touched during this meditation.”

“I am committed to staying present in this practice. If I go into thinking, I will close my eyes for a moment and bring myself back into the practice.”

4) Eye Gazing Practice

Once you have created the bubble and shared your desires, fears and boundaries, begin the eye gazing practice. Traditionally, it is recommended that you begin by gazing into left eye. This is because the left side of the body is considered to be the receptive side. Use a soft gaze. This is not a staring contest. It is ok to change eyes if and when you feel called too. Just relax, breathe and allow the experience to unfold. Notice what arises without judging it. Be open and curious, like a child.

You can do this practice for as long as you want. I suggest you begin with 2 to 5 minutes of eye gazing the first time you try it. Then close your eyes, go inside and reconnect internally for 1-2 minutes. When you are ready, open your eyes and begin again. Extend the time as you get more comfortable with the process. Doing this practice for an extended period of time can take you to new levels of connection. Set aside a time when you can practice for 45 to 60 minutes. Eye gazing is a great way to discover how open you are and to notice when resistance arises. If you feel resistance, allow it to be there. Feel it and see if you can allow it to melt away.

5) Share Your Insights

Afterward discuss your experience with your partner. How does it feel to be seen? How does it feel to look deeply into another person? Were you able to see beyond their body and personality? Did you notice their face changing form? Did you feel your heart open? This is a great practice for developing intimacy. It can be helpful to keep a journal of your experiences.

Eye gazing is a simple and powerful practice. It cuts though illusion and opens the door to Truth. When done regularly, it can transform your understanding of who you are. Even if this is the only Tantric practice you ever do, you could Awaken through it alone. I invite you to practice eye gazing with your friends as well as your lovers. When done before and during sex eye gazing can enhance your connection both sexually and spiritually, making love then becomes a powerful meditation.

Copyright 2011 Crystal Dawn Morris

Erotic Touch for Friends and Lovers

Erotic touch is a wonderful way to exchange sexual energy with a friend or lover. Depending on your boundaries you may choose to include genitals or you may prefer not to include them.  This practice is about exploring pleasure whether or not you decide to make love.

Preparation

Prepare a warm, quiet, comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed for the next 2 hours. Make sure all phones are turned off. Light some candles and put on some relaxing, romantic music.

Conscious Communication

Begin by creating the bubble around you and your partner. Do this by defining the bubble with your arms so that surrounds both of you. This helps call you into present moment  and create a safe space in which to offer erotic touch. Take a moment to look into each others eyes and honor the god/goddess within.  Next, remove things from the bubble that won’t serve you in this process (the past, distractions, anger, worry, etc.) Do this by gesturing as if you are removing an object from your bubble as you state what you are removing. Once you are done removing things you next want to bring things into your bubble that will enhance your connection (love, willingness, presence, trust etc.)

Share Your Desires, Fears and Boundaries

Once the bubble is created, share your desires, fears and boundaries related to giving and receiving an erotic massage. One person speaks while the other person listens without judgment or commentary. Then you switch roles. Here is an example:

“I desire to stay present, open and connect to my erotic energy.”

“My fear is that I may fall asleep and you may feel hurt or disappointed.”

“My boundary is to play with my sexual edge and to trust the process.

“I would like to end at 11 pm.”

Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are not walls, they are bridges and bridges bring people together. Intimacy arises when healthy boundaries are honored. Then you to feel safe, are open and present. Boundaries are dynamic, so check-in periodically to see if your boundaries have changed. If they have changed tell your partner, don’t expect them to read your mind.

Giving an Erotic Massage

Invite the receiver to lay face-down and help them to get comfortable. Ground yourself, see this massage as an opportunity to worship the body of your beloved. Attune yourself to their energy for a couple of minutes by breathing with them.

Begin to awaken their skin by lightly stroking them with feathers, fur or the tips of your fingers. When you are ready cover their body with warm oil and use long, slow strokes. Encourage them to take deep breaths, make sounds and allow the energy in the body to awakened and move. Use different parts of your body, such as your hair, arms and chest. Be creative.

About half-way through the allotted time, invite them to roll over. Massage the front of their body with warm oil using long strokes. Introducing sound can be powerful, for activating the energy body. Try toning with them using sounds like, Ahh, Yumm or Omm.

If you have agreed it is within your boundaries and they seem ready, offer to explore their genitals. Begin on the outside using oil. Go slow at first. Allow them time to release any tension in the area. Listen to their body. Watch  how it responds to your touch. Focus on what gives them pleasure. Try different strokes. Be creative. If you are going to do internal massage use a water-based lubricant. How much pleasure are they open to receiving? Explore the possibility of multiple orgasms.

Close by spooning together, connecting at the heart with love, compassion and gratitude. Help them to sit up and end by gazing into each others eyes and bowing. Offer them water or juice to drink and chocolate or fruit to eat. You may want to share what this experience was like for each of you. How was it to give and to receive in this way?

Feeling into Another's Deepest Heart

Someone in my Deida Connection Group asked how does one feel into another’s deepest heart. This practice is a great to feel into both your heart and someone else’s heart.

In SkyDancing Tantra we begin our practice by creating a Bubble. Seated across from one another, begin with a heart salutation- the acknowledgment of the divine in each other. Then create a bubble around yourselves to call yourselves into the present moment. Do this with your intention and by using your arms to define the bubble. Then, take things out of the bubble that don’t serve you in this moment (past, distraction, anger etc.) Next, bring things into the bubble that will enhance your connection (love, willingness, presence etc.)

Next, offer an appreciation to the other person (I honor your heart…)
After that, share your intentions/desires, fears and boundaries related to the practice while the other person listens without judgment or commentary.

Why Boundaries? When I teach this practice in my classes, people often have resistance to setting boundaries. Boundaries are not walls, they are bridges. Where two people’s healthy boundaries meet is where intimacy happens.

Your boundary, is the edge that you feel safe moving up to but not beyond. Knowing your boundary allows you to feel safe and stay present right up to your edge. Boundaries are dynamic and can change, so it is important to check in with them periodically and update your partner if the have changed. Here are a few examples: “I need to end by 3pm.” “I only want you to touch my…” “I will keep my heart open and notice if I start to contract.”

Once you are in your Bubble then you can practice Eye Gazing. Begin by gazing into the other person’s left eye. Don’t try to look into both eyes at once. It is ok to change which eye you are gazing in if you feel called too. Just relax, breathe and allow the experience to unfold. Begin with five minutes or so and extend the time as you get more comfortable with the process. This is a great way to discover how willing you are to open, to be seen, to see the Divine in another and to see where resistance arises. This is a great practice to deepen your heart connection.

End with a heart salutation. The bubble you’ve created allows you to feel the support of the sacred as you continue with your practice.

The Importance of Healthy Boundaries

How do you create healthy boundaries in your relationships?

I was sharing with a friend today the about the importance of boundaries. This was a new concept to him. One of the most important things I teach in my Tantra classes is the importance of sharing your desires, fears and boundaries at the beginning of an exchange. I call this creating a bubble. Boundaries are critical because where two people’s healthy boundaries meet is where intimacy happens. Boundaries keep us present. When we know where our boundary is we can move right to the edge of it with full commitment. If we aren’t sure of our boundary then it is easy to both, play it safe or over step it. Boundaries are dynamic and change from moment to moment, so it is important to stay aware of them.

Here is an outline of the practice. For a complete description see Margot Anand’s, Art of Sexual Ecstasy.

Making a Bubble

Seated across from one another, begin with a heart salutation- the acknowledgment of the divine in each other.

Then create a bubble around yourselves to call yourselves into the present moment. Do this with your intention and by using your arms to define the bubble.

Then, take things out of the bubble that don’t serve you in this moment (past, distraction, anger etc.) Next, bring things into the bubble that will enhance your connection (love, willingness, presence etc.)

Next, offer an appreciation to the other person (I honor your heart…)

After that, share your intentions, fears and boundaries related to the practice while the other person listens without judgment or commentary.

End with a heart salutation. The bubble you’ve created allows you to feel the support of the sacred as you continue with your practice.